wish i could screenrecord some dreams
i personally love to over analyze everything and suffer
solo quiero dormir mientras m abrazan como niña chiquita
i am genuinely so detached from whatever the fuck is going on rn
i think one of the most important things you learn about making connections with others is that a significant portion of the time people just do not know theyre doing what theyre doing
sometimes someone is acting selfish because they just didnt think you had any interest in what theyre hogging. sometimes you dont get invited to the movies because your friend could have sworn that you said no. sometimes you think someone is mad at you because theyre bad at hiding how little sleep they got. we are all like little worlds that briefly crash into one another from time to time and we just arent physically capable of seeing the whole picture at once in those moments. and learning that really changed everything!
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”— Lao Tze
“Sometimes people try to destroy you, precisely because they recognize your power — not because they don’t see it, but because they see it and they don’t want it to exist.”— bell hooks
If you’re loved from the start, it gets stored in your cells, your brain recognizes it as the correct way for you to exist, and you don’t even get to doubt it; you seek it out as your birthright. When you don’t have it, your brain recognizes neglect and abuse as the ‘correct way for you to exist’ and you try and reprogram it, tell yourself thousand times it’s not supposed to be like that, you’re supposed to be loved, you’re supposed to be cared for, but you have no way to seek it out and have it, so it’s just struggling with your thoughts, all on your own. Feeling like you’re deluding yourself because surely if it was right and correct for you to be loved, you would be loved, at least for some part of your life, at least by someone. You’d at least have memories of how it felt, how correct it was, and you’d know what kind of situation you want to put yourself in, so you’d have that again.
But without it, you’re just blind without a map, telling yourself something you never experienced should and does exist, you only have no idea where to get it, or how to find it. And, if you do get closer to it, you’ll get uncomfortable and triggered and feel desire to leave. And you have to get out of it, because it’s part of your stability to get away from highly distressing situations, you can’t afford to be in distress that high.
Finding ways to feel like you have the right to be loved, is something complex and hard, that doesn’t come easily to those abused and unloved. It’s the one thing we have to teach ourselves over and over, and it still only works when other people agree, and put effort into being there for us, being willing to undo some of the damage done. You’re not to blame if you cant’ figure it out, or do it alone. If you struggle with relationships and friendships and feeling worthy, it’s absolutely not your fault. You were put in a situation where this would be hard. If you can only handle little bits and pieces, that’s okay. This is something other people are responsible for as well.
nobody will ever ask if you are ready. you will have to decide that you are.
me: finds intelligence hot
also me: unconditionally and furiously despises anyone who is even slightly better than me at anything
academic validation feels so hot until i actually have to study for it